i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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