opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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