you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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