i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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