i need an iv and a liver transplant
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
