Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
