This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
