I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm too high and old for this...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
