I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
