why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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