They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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