He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Are my feet made of real feet?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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