I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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