how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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