how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
