and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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