i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
