Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
