I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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