i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
