I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
