Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
