I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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