I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
