I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
