Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
BRING THE BAGELS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
