No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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