i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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