TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
