toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
