I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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