Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
