my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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