Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
