Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
