Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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