period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
