whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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