Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
