I think i peed on brittanys purse
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
