I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
