Everything about him screamed your future.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
