god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
