i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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