Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
should my penis look like a turkey
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
