I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize