I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize