i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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