You just made me feel so damn special
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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