too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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