I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize