Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
