Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
