I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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