tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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