my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
