Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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