I smell stomach acid.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
