I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize