She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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