One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
